‘Enough Already,’ Said God

Marc Chagall’s view of the burning bush. According to the transcript below, the bush recently reappeared.

RMN-GRAND PALAIS / ART RESOURCE, NY

SEPTEMBER 16, 2017

Nicholas Kristof

The famous televangelist Jim Bakker, who is preaching again on television after a rape accusation and a prison term for financial fraud, recently warned that Christians would start an armed insurrection if President Trump were impeached. “If it happens, there will be civil war in the United States of America,” Bakker told his television audience. “The Christians will finally come out of the shadows, because we are going to be shut up permanently if we’re not careful.”

Afterward, I received the following transcript of a conversation between Bakker and, er, God. It comes from a divine source.

Bakker: “Dear God, thank you for blessing me with wisdom, courage, virtue and rugged good looks. Plus humility. Please help me raise up an army to smite the infidels trying to impeach President Trump. …”

God: “Oh, enough already!”

Bakker, trying to dive under the bed: “Who’s there? And oh, no! Fire! Fire! There’s a fire on my bed!”

God: “It’s a burning bush.”

Bakker: “Who said that? Fire! Fire! Help!”

God: “Don’t be such a wimp: This is a smokeless burning bush. It won’t even singe your linens. So listen up. This is God.”

Bakker: “Wow, that really is a burning bush! That’s you, God? Are you anointing me to lead my people and smite our enemies? Will you give me a mighty, holy sword? I could crush all those infidels, just as if they were Amalekites.”

God: “Whoa! Remember: ‘Blessed are the peacemakers.’ I’m not into smiting these days. When you say deranged, violent things in my name, I want to sue you for defamation. Not that I go around feeling sorry for myself, but it’s tough being the Almighty when crazies keep running around fomenting hatred in my name.”

Bakker: “Like those God-forsaken Muslims! They don’t value human life. We should destroy them!”

God: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Bakker: “You could be more respectful. And wait — are you not a Republican?”

God: “I’m nonpartisan. I just don’t like being used. I was mortified when four out of five white evangelical Christians voted for a thrice-married liar who bragged about sexual assault — and then cited me as the reason for their votes. In polls, white evangelicals went from the group most likely to say that personal morality mattered in politics to the group least likely to say that — in just five years. These are values voters?”

Bakker: “I admit, Trump isn’t perfect. No man is perfect, except our Lord Jesus Christ. But Trump is pro-life.”

God: “He’s pro-life for fetuses. That’s about it.”

Bakker: “But God, you put Trump in power! So many evangelical leaders, like Robert Jeffress, have pointed out that Trump could have been elected only if that was your doing.”

God: “Don’t blame me! I endorse free will. And if Trump’s election had been my doing, I would have made sure he also won the popular vote.”

Bakker: “Pastor Paula White said the other day on my television show that since Trump’s presidency is God’s will, opposition to Trump amounts to resisting ‘the hand of God.’ ”

God: “Hmm. Did she say that when Barack Obama was serving two terms?”

Bakker: “But Trump is an instrument of Jesus. Fighting abortionists and refugees.”

God: “I wish you’d read your Bible, and not just thump it. Jesus never said a peep about abortions or gays. And you know who was a refugee?”

Bakker: “Hitler?”

God: “How about Jesus? Jesus’s family fled King Herod’s slaughter of the innocents and found asylum in Egypt. Maybe ancient Egypt was more tolerant of refugees than Trump?”

Bakker: “But God! We people of faith are just trying to do Jesus’s will!”

God: “Jesus didn’t coddle the financiers of his day, the money-changers, but hounded them while comforting the needy. Follow him, and the focus would be on: ‘I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Nuns and missionaries make me proud when they fight AIDS or tutor in prisons. I love World Vision’s humanitarian programs. But I’m just insulted when people invoke my name and side with bigots or hurt the poor.”

Bakker: “It’s more complicated than that. If today’s foreigners spoke English and were good white Christians like Joseph and Mary, I’d welcome them. But they speak strange languages. If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for everyone in America.”

God: “Eloi, eloi, lema sabachthani.”

Bakker: “God, will you send your flesh and blood again on Earth so that we can exalt him?”

God: “Her. You see, I did. She’s a 16-year-old Syrian Muslim girl in Arkansas. But ICE just arrested her and deported her to a refugee camp in Turkey.”

Bakker: “Uh-oh.”